The Final Goodbye
Intro: A woman struggles with the reality of having to let the man she loves go. She has tried to see things his way and wait for him to come back to her, but life never goes as planned. This is the Final Goodbye.
Looking Back…
We had an age gap, it wasn’t massive but still he had a whole lot of life experience than me. I thought this would break us and in the end it made us stronger. He learned to be more patient and try to understand me and others better than trying to think he knows everyone; and they should understand the way he thinks. I learned from him how to be more communicative and have self-awareness. We loved each other but eventually life finds a way to break you apart.
He was an amazing father. He barely had time for himself and yet he still found time for me. I appreciated him, but when life hits you in ways we can’t imagine. It comes a time to be selfish. As his kids grew older, he needed to make his life better for them. Which meant a better but time consuming career. So, he made the choice he did not want to make, but he had too because his kids come first. He felt bad and I felt sad, but as grown adults I understood.
Now…
We remained ‘friends’ and it felt like nothing had changed between us or so I thought. As the years went by, I barely saw him anymore. Each time I did, his phone was often ringing from work and I could see the annoyance in his eyes. This job was interfering in his personal life and I could tell it was taking a toll but instead of pushing away he kept going and soon he learned to love his job and became obsessive with working long hours.
I loved this man and I wanted him to have everything for his family, but my heart still yearned to be with him. I found myself becoming something I hated, a woman who had no boundaries and only focused on him and our secret ‘relations’. So as months went past everytime we would talk on the phone. I grew mad every time he put me on hold to answer a work call or even worse hang up and never call back. It made me doubt his truth of work and made me think he was playing with another woman. He is now and then a loyal man and only loved me. But my impatient mind got the best of me and soon things turned to fire.
My mind made me become more demanding of seeing him more and wanting him to try and plan things out with me. All of this led to fighting because it made him feel like I wanted him to be something different than the man he was. Which was not true, I just missed him and instead of speaking my truths, I made him feel like I wanted something more than what he had. He told me how he had too much going on in his life with having no car, hardly seeing his kids, and getting to learn the new role of his career. And even though he loves me, he has to be selfish, unfortunately putting his feelings aside and continue to grow for his family. Which meant leaving me behind.
It brought him pain to not be able to show how much he really cared and wanted to be with me. Hearing all of this made me feel childish because I understood his life and his goals and still my desires turned me into a child. Not taking things seriously when he wanted to have real conversations with me, and only thinking about love instead of my own future career and goals. I only wanted him. Emotions ran high and everything between us fell apart. Our phone conversations turned to texts and our daily ‘hangs’ were on edge due to work. From his messages I saw how happy he was as his work got better and thanks to his schedule he is able to be there for his kids now. That made me smile because his kids were his heart and the love he got from them made him keep going.
I was happy for him, but a part of me was sad because I decided to wait for him and since we broke up it has been five years and I can tell by now, I am no longer needed. I want to believe he will come back, but I also know eventually he will grow in his career to the point where he leaves the city and then I will never see him again. This made me want to cry because it meant soon I will have to let this love go. All these emotions made me feel like a failure. I tried to grow with him so I could stay by his side and control my urges, but our time ran out.
Back to the window…
I look at my phone and call him. Ring! Like usual no answer, he was still at work afterall. I open my text thread and text him to ‘call me’. The rain pours as thunder is heard. The perfect noise to silence my tears. I love this man with all my heart but like the saying goes, it was just the “wrong place and wrong time” for our love to happen. I am so proud of him and everything he has accomplished but even more I am proud of the new man he has become. Yes, he still has his flaws but we all have flaws because we are human.
The best part of him I love the most is how accepting he was of my mental health and how no matter my state of mind he would always stick by my side. He made me feel beautiful when I could not love myself. He made me not think of the future or live in the past and only live for the now. All those times he would sacrifice his personal time to be with me, meant the world and I appreciate all of them. His love showed in everything he has done for me. I wish the world would let us be together. I wish there was a way he could have it all, but I know as long as he has his kids he will be okay without me.
I won’t be okay without him and I don’t want to leave, but the universe has different plans. I am not needed anymore and I see that everyday as our communication becomes no more and we both grow silent. We are more fun in person and there is never a dull moment, but with you hardly around the phone calls will tear us apart even more and I don’t want it to come to that. My heart can't bear it. I want you to remember me in a way that makes you smile and not frown. I want to see him in person and hug him one last time before he never comes back, but his life won’t allow it. Instead I am left with…Ring! I look at the door and open it.
It was him. This man knew how to make my heart stop. Tears flowed down my face because this was the last time I would be able to hold him in my arms.
“We need to talk, Knox.” I cried. His face is still with sadness because he knew what I was about to say and for the first time in a long while he pulled me back to him as his voice cracked.
“I know.”
This is the Final Goodbye.
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